Open Letter to Procrastinators from a Procrastinator

I get it. You put things off. I’ve done it my whole life. I put off writing this letter for a week, and I put off doing things I enjoy. I get it. Procrastination, contrary to popular belief, is not a life choice. Anyone who procrastinates has at least eight people in their life who on a daily basis give them the stellar advice, “just do your work earlier”. Trust me, if procrastinators had the capability of doing things before the last minute, they would do it in a heartbeat. My life would have been infinitely less stressful. Procrastination, however, is not as much my chosen way of life as it is a harsh reality of it.

Procrastination is a poison that paralyzes you. You’re motivated to do something and you’re working it out in your head all different ways but you just can’t get your body to move. You’re stuck still, and once you aren’t seized up anymore you’re kicking yourself because now the stress weighing down on you is enough to make your bones snap.

This doesn’t stop you though. Procrastinators though have an uncanny knack for getting by by the skin of their teeth. We’ve learned to work with this hindrance; it’s not easy, but we adapt over the years, ever since we were younger and figured out all the homework could be done in two hours before bedtime. And you think, sure, I definitely could have gotten a better grade, but the grade I got is pretty impressive for how little time I spent on it. You’ve got a system, and it works so you’re sticking to it.

And the system used to work really well. You got to college doing it no problem. Some people can even make it through college with this system. Others can’t, give up their procrastinating ways and the stress that comes with it, but those people are not real procrastinators anyway. Life post-standard education, unfortunately, is an entirely different ball game. Deadlines are sooner, the stakes are much higher, and when you procrastinate at work you have someone looking over your shoulder disapprovingly. Procrastinating, something that you’ve done for years and years and years, is now backfiring on you.

So, you’re back to the age-old shtick “just don’t procrastinate”.

I’ve done this a million times. I have looked up countless articles and tips to try and stop my procrastination. There’s the turn-off-your-phone-and-lock-yourself-away tip. Something about eliminating temptation so the only thing left is the work you need to do. This never works. I can find anything to distract me. If there’s no television playing, I’ll think about a show I haven’t seen in ages and actually it’s super good, maybe I should watch it soon, that’s a great idea, you know, I’m going to go and watch it now!

You get my point.

There’s of course set goals for yourself and then punish yourself if you don’t complete them. This one seems exceptionally useless. I’m never going to willingly set myself up for failure by giving myself more tasks, even if they’re smaller ones. And I definitely won’t punish myself because it’s me. I’m not going to do my girl dirty.

Focusing on success is another tip I always seem to get, and this one just seems like a cop out. I can’t tell you how many cumulative hours I’ve spent in my lifetime, staring at an empty

Word document telling myself I’ll feel so much better once it’s done.

The problem is that procrastinators are stubborn. If there is a later time that I can do something, I am not doing it now. End of story. For me, I feel this tenfold. I’m a younger sibling with a chip in her shoulder, and an intense November Scorpio; my stubborn streak is a mile long and I’ve lined the path with spikes. Just try and stop me.

The only thing that a procrastinator can do is accept that they are one and work around it. There will never be a reformed procrastinator. Once you’re in, you’re in for life, there’s nothing that can be done. You can, however, eliminate stress by knowing that you’re going to get it done, one way or another. Because you will.

I have this theory that procrastinators are actually the most type-A, structured people on the planet, because there is no way someone lacking reason would push off everything to the last minute time and time again, stressed every single time, and then confidently tell the people around them “don’t worry, I can do it later.” And it is always with confidence, like it or not, procrastinators have hootspa.

The stress I get during my crunch time furious work mode has never gone away, and I suspect it never will. What I’ve learned, though, is the stress before and after this period can melt away when I jack up my feel good playlist and remind myself just how good I am. I’ve written ten pages in three hours. And not just bullshit, meandering fluff. I’m talking beefy, intellectual theses on the inherent inaccessibility built into the structure of modern art museums. I have organized events in a time frame described to me as, quote, “virtually impossible to pull together anything worth attending”, that have surpassed expectations in attendance and donations and awarded me with the delicious excuse to shove said results in the face of all doubters.

My advice to you, procrastinator, is to do the same. Bring yourself back to Earth, look in the mirror and let that person in there know that you will get it done. When that stress is gone, when you don’t let yourself crack apart under the weight of all the worry and doubt and begin to recognize that your procrastination, your innate ability to condense active work time into the smallest, productive, most efficient crunch time, is your greatest tool? That, my friends, is gold.